Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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