I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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