yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
