Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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