I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
