he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
