she woke up with a sticky ear
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
