Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We had sex on a dog bed..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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