Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
try to milk me bitch
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