My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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