it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
