I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
