I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
