nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
