We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
