I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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