I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Less talking, more tequila
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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