The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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