Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
