I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
