You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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