so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
