Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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