you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
