My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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