I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
