Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
