Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
