She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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