Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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