He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
