woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
