Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
