At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize