I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
