my phone needs a breathalizer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
