i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
