i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
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The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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