you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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