The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
