im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
