my phone needs a breathalizer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
