WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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