he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
