I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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