Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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