paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
