I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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