Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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