the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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