I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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