She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
