is your mom at the bar?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
operation have a gay friend backfired
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
