Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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