You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
