I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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