i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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