I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
