im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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