I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
