I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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