dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
